When Relatives Don't Understand Autism

When relatives don’t understand autism, the holidays can feel like a tightrope instead of a warm, cozy season.
If you’re reading this with a knot in your stomach, wondering how you’re going to get through the next family gathering… I’m right there with you.

This is the kind of blog post I wish someone had placed gently in my hands a few Christmases ago. A soft little reminder that I wasn’t alone, that other parents were walking this same path with kids who are autistic, have global developmental delays, or are wonderfully sensory-seeking in their own unique ways. Everything I’ve written here comes from real moments — my own experiences, the stories we share in whispers with other moms, and the quiet lessons learned from friends and family who are also raising neurodivergent little ones.

My hope is that as you read this, you feel seen, understood, and a little more supported. And if it can bring even one helpful idea to make your next holiday gathering gentler and less overwhelming for you and your child, then my heart is full.

Some of the links in my blog post are affiliate links, which simply means that if you choose to purchase something through them, I may receive a small commission at absolutely no extra cost to you. Your support truly means more than you know. It helps me continue creating these soft, comforting spaces and resources for parents like us, who are just trying to make life a little calmer for our kids. Thank you for being part of my cozy corner of the internet.

When “Happy Holidays” Feel Complicated

On paper, the holidays sound magical: twinkling lights, family dinners, gifts, laughter.

But for our autistic kids, that can mean:

• New smells, new foods, new people

• Loud voices and overlapping conversations

• Broken routines and unpredictable schedules

• Bright lights, scratchy outfits, and pressure to “perform”

And for us as parents, there’s another layer:
Relatives who just don’t get it.

The ones who say:

• “He just needs more discipline.”

• “In my day, we didn’t have all these ‘labels.’”

• “Can’t she just say hi? It’s rude not to.”

• “You’re babying him too much.”

Those comments don’t just sting, but they make you feel alone in a room full of people who are supposed to love you.

If that’s you… take a breath. You’re not failing. You’re not overreacting. You’re a mom (or dad) doing your best to protect your child in a world that often doesn’t understand them.

Why Some Relatives Just Don’t Understand (Yet)

It helps a tiny bit to remember this:
Most relatives are not trying to be cruel. They are speaking from their own limitation, not from your child’s worth.

• They grew up in a different time with different language.

• They might only see your child once or twice a year.

• They don’t see the meltdowns after, the therapy sessions, or the exhaustion you carry.

Understanding this doesn’t excuse their behaviour, but it can soften how hard you internalize it.
You are not required to convince everyone. Your job is to protect your child and your own peace.

Step One: Take Care of Your Heart First

Before we even talk about relatives, let’s talk about you.

You are allowed to:

• Grieve the holiday you imagined you’d have.

• Feel angry, hurt, or disappointed.

• Want to skip everything and hide under a blanket.

You can also choose a softer middle ground:
“I will show up, but I will not abandon myself or my child to make others comfortable.”

Try a simple grounding moment before any gathering:

Hand-on-heart reminder:
“I am a good parent. I know my child better than anyone. My job today is not to please everyone — it is to protect my child’s nervous system and my own.”

If you use affirmations, you might even write this on a sticky note in your purse or phone:

“My child’s comfort matters more than anyone’s opinion.”

Preparing Relatives (Gently) Before the Holiday

If you have the emotional energy, sometimes a bit of preparation can help.

You might send a short message to a few key relatives before the gathering:

“Hey, I wanted to share a quick update before we see you for the holidays.
[Child’s name] is autistic and big gatherings can be overwhelming.
If they don’t want hugs or need to step into a quiet room, that’s just how we help them feel safe.
We’re so excited to see everyone. Thanks for helping us make it a little easier on them.”

You can adjust this based on your style. Keep it:

• Clear

• Kind

• Calm

You’re not asking for permission; you’re setting expectations.

Creating a “Sensory Safe Plan” for Your Child

One of the most loving things you can do, especially when relatives don’t really “get it,”  is to build a safety net around your child.

Think of it as your holiday sensory toolkit.

Here are some things that may help:

1. Noise-Reducing or Noise-Cancelling Headphones

Loud rooms, clanging dishes, excited cousins.......it adds up quickly.

• For some kids, headphones can be the difference between meltdown and “I’m okay.”

You could try something like:
👉 Kids’ noise-reducing headphones

2. Comforting Fidgets & Toys

Having something small and familiar to hold can be incredibly grounding.

• Fidget spinners

• Squishy toys

• Tactile fidgets

• Chewable necklaces (for kids who seek oral input)

Ideas to explore:
👉 Sensory fidget toy set
👉 Chewable sensory necklace for kids

3. A Cozy Weighted Lap Pad or Small Blanket

If your child responds well to deep pressure, a lap pad or mini weighted blanket can be so soothing when they’re sitting at the table or on the couch.

👉 Weighted lap pad for kids
👉 Kids’ weighted blanket

4. Visual Schedule or Social Story

Sudden changes are hard. Some kids feel calmer when they can see what’s happening next.

You might print or draw a simple sequence:

• Drive to Grandma’s

• Say hi

• Eat

• Open gifts

• Quiet time

• Home

A clear plastic folder, small whiteboard, or picture cards can help.
👉 Visual schedule cards for kids

5. A “Calm Corner Kit” You Bring With You

Pack a small bag with:

• Their favourite snack

• Comfort toy

• Small blanket

• Fidgets

• Headphones

• Tablet or book

You are allowed to arrive at someone else’s house with your own little island of calm.

You’re not being “extra,” you are being prepared.

Setting Boundaries with Relatives (Without Starting a War)

This is the hard part, I know.

You’re trying to keep the peace and keep your child regulated. It can feel like you’re stuck in the middle.

Here are some gentle, ready-to-use phrases you can borrow.

When They Push for Hugs or Kisses

Them: “Come give Grandma a hug! Don’t be rude.”
You: “We’re teaching [child’s name] that their body belongs to them. They can wave or blow a kiss instead.”

When They Comment on Behaviour

Them: “He just needs more discipline.”
You: “Actually, this is part of his autism. He’s not being naughty, he’s overwhelmed. We are focusing on keeping him regulated right now.”

When They Think You’re Being Overprotective

Them: “You don’t need to hover so much.”
You: “I know it might look that way. Big gatherings are really hard on his nervous system. Staying close helps prevent a major meltdown later.”

When You Need to Leave Early

Them: “Already? We just started!”
You: “I know, I wish we could stay longer. [Child’s name] is reaching their limit, and if we push past it, the rest of the day  and probably tomorrow will be really hard for them.”

You don’t have to defend every choice. Sometimes a simple, calm sentence is enough:

“This is what works for our family, and we’re going to stick with it.”

Choosing What You Actually Have the Energy For

You are allowed to make decisions that prioritize your child’s well-being and your own:

• It is okay to skip an event.

• It is okay to arrive late and leave early.

• It is okay to host something small at home instead of going to the big extended gathering.

• It is okay to say, “We’re keeping it simple this year.”

You don’t have to cram your child into every tradition for it to be a “real” holiday.

Sometimes, a quiet evening with one or two safe people, cozy pajamas, a favourite show, and a simple meal is more meaningful than a big, chaotic dinner.

When Things Don’t Go As Planned (Because They Won’t Be Perfect)

You can have the best toolkit, the clearest visual schedule, and the softest heart and things can still go sideways.

• Your child might have a meltdown in front of everyone.

• A relative might say something truly insensitive.

• You might cry in the bathroom (I’ve been there).

If (when) that happens, here’s your reminder:

A hard moment does not erase the love and work you’ve poured into this season.

Later, when you’re home and things are a bit quieter, you might:

• Make a warm drink.

• Sit on the floor with your child while they play with something familiar.

• Let the dishes wait.

• Whisper to yourself, “We survived today. That is enough.”

You can always adjust your plan for the next event or decide there won’t be a next event this year. That’s allowed too.

A Gentle Word on Amazon & Tools That Help

The tools we use, such as the headphones, the fidgets, the weighted blankets — they are not meant to “fix” our children. They are simply little supports that make the world feel a bit softer and easier for their nervous systems. For me, Amazon has become my go-to place for all of my son’s sensory items. It’s convenient, the delivery is quick, and there’s such a wide variety to choose from that I can always find exactly what he needs without the stress of crowded stores or long line-ups, especially during the holiday season. If you’re like me and prefer a calmer, easier way to shop, Amazon can make things feel a lot more manageable.

If you would like to take a closer look at some of the calming supports I mentioned earlier, here’s a gentle roundup of those helpful products that can make this season a little easier for your little one.

• Noise-reducing headphones:
  👉 Kids’ noise-cancelling headphones

• Sensory fidgets & chewable necklaces:
  👉 Sensory fidget toy set
  👉 Chewable sensory necklace

• Weighted comfort items:
  👉 Weighted lap pad for kids
  👉 Kids’ weighted blanket

• Visual supports:
  👉 Visual schedule cards for kids

A Cozy Reminder for Your Heart

If no one else says it to you this holiday season, let me be the one:

• You are not overreacting.

• You are not too sensitive.

• You are not “making excuses” for your child.

You are learning a whole new way of moving through the world: one that protects and honours your autistic child’s nervous system in a season that is loud, rushed, and full of expectations. I truly get it… I’ve walked through all of these moments with my own son, too.

That is brave. That is loving. That is enough.

Your holidays might not look like the movies. They might include headphones at the dinner table, a child pacing in the hallway, or a quiet exit before dessert.

But they will also include something else:

A parent who keeps showing up with love, not perfection.
A child who feels just a little safer because they know someone in the room truly sees them.

And that, more than any gift or tradition, is what will stay in their memory.

You and your child deserve a holiday that feels kind, doable, and real.
If that means rewriting the rules a little, or a lot..... You have my full permission.

You’re doing beautifully, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

If this post touched your heart or made you feel a little less alone, I would be so grateful if you shared it with another autism family who might need the same comfort today. And if you feel brave enough, you can even pass it along to relatives or friends who are still learning how to understand and support your child. Sometimes a gentle story is all it takes to help someone see our kids and us with softer eyes. Thank you for being here, and for loving your child the way you do.